The CatholiCity Message

Volume VII, Number 14 – September 30, 2003

Dear CatholiCity Citizen,

Hello friends. Got the usual mishmash of gimgaws and gewgats for you as we totter on the precipice of autumn. We'll start silly...

1. COMPLAINT DEPARTMENT
Although we do like their coffee, we do not like the flimsy spill-assured circa-1953 coffee lids available at Dunkin' Donuts. In fact, we avoid Dunkin' Donuts precisely because of their lousy lids. Ironically, we do like the spill-proof lids at Starbucks. (Alas, we avoid Starbucks precisely because of their coffee.) The point is, maybe the Head Lid Guy at Dunkin' Donuts will read this and a have his company at least offer us a choice in lids. The world will change–for the better. And if that happens, we shall continue our mighty work to improve the so-called "meat" in a certain fast-food chain's hamburgers.

(NOTE: IN MARCH OF 2004, DUNKIN' DONUTS
BEGAN A NATIONAL ROLL-OUT OF NEW SPILL-PROOF
LIP-FRIENDLY LIDS WHICH OUR AUTHOR IMMEDIATELY
AND HAPPILLY RATED "BEST IN THE NATION.")

QUOTE OF THE MONTH
"The truth is, of course, that the curtness of the Ten Commandments is an evidence, not of the gloom and narrowness of a religion, but, on the contrary, of its liberality and humanity. It is shorter to state the things forbidden than the things permitted: precisely because most things are permitted, and only a few things are forbidden."
G.K. Chesterton

1. DARWIN HAS LEFT THE BUILDING
Since one our theme today is, clearly, beverage lids, we shall share with you the following, which we read on the bottom of a Snapple Iced Tea (Raspberry, diet) lid: "Koalas and humans are the only animals with unique fingerprints."

True or not, we're not surprised, because, as we imagine Saint Gilbert Chesterton might note, such a fact is so unlikely. Just about everything else about this world we live in is unlikely to the point of absurdity. That koalas exist at all is unlikely. That they, and no other creature besides we have fingerprints, is well, hilarious.

As we imagine Saint Thomas Aquinas might note, the earth is certainly designed, and therefore designed by Somebody. As for us, only a God would design a world wherein human beings and koala alone have fingerprints. In other words, God is artistic, all-mirthful, a genius–among His other valuable attributes.

If God were not, our supposed ancestor, your basic monkey, would have fingerprints. No, as it turns out, we are just as likely to have evolved from the cute little Quantas Airlines spokes-marsupial. Or, perhaps, Koalas evolved from us.

Either way, neither monkey nor koala could build a jet to fly us to Australia, much less purposely fly one into a building in New York City to murder his brothers and sisters. No animal shares Original Sin with we humans, and we're waiting for some materialist explain why we should continue to insult monkeys (or koalas) with the notion they are related to us in any way except those which are delightful.

2. FOOTBALL IS CATHOLIC

"Treat your body with charity, but with no more charity than you would treat a treacherous enemy."
Saint Josemaria Escriva

We know a young man, 11, who is playing tackle football for the first time this year. He is not the star of the team, but he plays his role on the line, and he loves to hit. As we've watched him, his fellow players, and his dedicated coaches, it's taken us back almost three decades to our own first years playing football. We were nothing special as a player, but as we ponder, we remember how our coaches (as do all good football coaches) exuded the same paradoxical qualities.

On the one hand, they could be the most gentle and understanding of fathers, especially when relating to us a individuals. On the other hand, they were utterly, completely, without any reservation–hard on us. They demanded total obedience, complete dedication to the goal of winning, sacrifice, and yes, even pain. In short, they respected our dignity, but showed contempt for our boyish weaknesses, which they seemed to take personally.

We've always suspected that other countries don't understand America because they can't comprehend how much we love football. They play soccer, and then they wonder how it is that we are always kicking their butts economically and otherwise. Soccer is wonderful, and that is its weakness, because football is not wonderful. Football is brutal. Football is real, and it is real particularly because it is realistic about human nature.

U.S. haters don't realize that most men in the United States view life itself as a football game. Life is a battle. Life is about taking responsibility for your particular role in the complex "body" of your team. No football team can win and no football player can be useful to his team unless he obeys, respects, and honors (and does so without hesitation, and even, with an abiding love) the authority of his coaches. In fact, the closest thing to the dramatic and absolute hierarchy of a football team we know is the hierarchy of the Catholic Church.

Football, in other words, is about love.

3. NEAR DEATH FOR JEFF
A devout friend of ours named Jeff (who happens to be a coach on the football team referenced above) recently suffered what he was certain was a heart attack. It turned out to be another malady, temporary and non-life threatening. Yet he told us something interested when we grilled him afterward (clearly indicating we were hunting for stuff for the CatholiCity Message). Jeff related that when the pain in his chest began to explode, it was so difficult to handle, from one moment to the next, that it took virtually all his internal strength to focus on praying a sincere Act of Contrition. We usually start our day with this very prayer, among others, just in case. We are definitely the kind of person who would die by accidentally stepping in front of a bus. (Which is why we also pray to our Guardian Angel "Don't let that bus hit us!") When we woke up this morning, we gave our day to Jesus. We would rather He have it. "Jesus," we pray as we open my eyes, "we give this day to you." And we really mean it. Then we pray, usually in the shower, but sometimes on our drive into work:

Morning Offering
Guardian Angel Prayer
Consecration to Mary
Act of Contrition
Saint Michael Prayer
Act of Praise, Love, Thanks, Sorry, and Petition to God
Memorare

Many of these prayers are online in CatholiCity here:

http://www.catholicity.com/prayersdevotions/

Let's make our prayer today, for all 70,000+ of us, the Act of Contrition. Let's first pause to recall our sins and our broken nature, and remind ourselves that it is our sincerity that counts with God, not merely reciting the words. In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit...

"O my God, I am heartfully sorry for having offended thee, and I detest all my sins because of Thy just punishment, but most of all because I have offended Thee my God, Who is all good and deserving of all my love. I firmly resolve, with the help of Thy grace, to sin no more, and to avoid the near occasion of sin, Amen."

Thank you for praying with all of us.

4. EMEXEE
We give our free recordings three-letter codes to streamline our shipping operations. Being word guys, and with the help of our crack staff, we shoot for the symbolic as well as practical. For example, the code "The Conversion of Scott Hahn" is HAH. Practical meaning: HAH is short for Hahn, obviously. Symbolic meaning: "A-hah! I always suspected that there was something out-of-whack about being a Protestant!" For our newest release, the Smash Hit "Marriage and the Eucharist" by Christopher West, the code is MXE.

Practical meaning: M=Marriage X="And" E=Eucharist

The symbolic meaning for the X is multi-fold. X is the last letter in the word "Sex," and this recording squarely deals with John Paul II's Theology of the Body, and the way the body of a man and woman have stamped into their very design the complementarity that brings new and immortal human life into the world. A connection, let us say, needs to be made, between the body of the man and the body of the woman. Just look at the male figure and the female figure and it is clear each is made for the other.

The second symbolic meaning is that X is the mathematical symbol for multiply. There is a "multiplication" in all sacraments. Marriage multiplies grace as well as our population, and Jesus multiplies His very self by making Himself present through His priest during the sacrifice of the Mass, just as he multiplied the bread and fish for the crowd of 5000.

X is also a symbol for the Cross. No pain, no gain. No cross, no resurrection. A cross is also a bridge. We "cross" over into supernatural life in all the sacraments. Enough said.

X is also a symbol we use to "cross out" something. Jesus "X-ed" sin on the cross, for sure. Christopher West crosses out lots of idiotic ideas when he tells the truth on MXE.

Are all these insights on Chris West's "Marriage and the Eucharist?" Some are, and some we just made up as the words jumped from our noggin to the keyboard to the screen. But just in case you missed it, you can still request your free copy of MXE online in these three ways:

1. Request your copy online:

https://secure.catholicity.com/order.html

2. Print out a simple one-page form to send in by regular mail:

http://www.catholicity.com/orderform.pdf

3. U.S. Residents can mail us a note asking for "Marriage and the Eucharist." Please specify the quantity and whether you want tapes or CDs:

The Mary Foundation
MXE Offer
PO Box 26101
Fairview Park, OH 44126-0101

Donations are optional. Shipping is free in the U.S. Your materials will ship fast–the day we receive your order. (Canadian Friends: you must order online, but your package will arrive faster than ever, Guaranteed UPS.)

We end with...

....more lids. We can't stand the plastic, redundant wrappers on Starbuck's Frappacino bottles. They are nearly impossible to peel off. Starbuck's lid guys: get to work.

With Christ,

Your Friends at CatholiCity