The CatholiCity Message

Volume VII, Number 8 – May 20, 2003

Dear CatholiCity Citizen,

"If you want to think the way Jesus thinks,
spend time with Him on the Cross."
An E5 Man

"I had fried foods again today. I know, I know. I shouldn't have. Do you think I lack self-discipline?"
Fat Guy at the Bar, from the movie, The Sure Thing

The next time you hear from us, we'll be telling you about our newest free recording, but we thought you'd enjoy us sneaking one in here before Memorial Day. Let's see where the keyboard and Our Lady takes us...

1. LITTLE MEANS LITTLE
We received dozens of emails from Citizens who were deeply offended by the "Little Tommy Confessional Joke" in our last Message. We're truly sorry if you were offended. We can't say that we were not warned, either, because my right hand man told us he was offended and strongly advised us to delete it before we sent it out. Like some of you, he was hurt and scandalized. It was no thrill for him to hit the "Send" button. (Yes, someone actually hits the "Send" button to these things. And, for the record, we take his advice almost all the time, on matters great and small, including and aside from matters regarding CatholiCity.)

PEARLY GATES
From our point of view, "Little Tommy" had no idea what a "loose woman" is, and was just looking to hold the hand of little girl. Kind of like we were when we were in fourth grade and wouldn't have minded a few weeks off from serving at the 6:45am Mass. We were mystified, even after many of you told us that there is nothing funny about "fornication." We didn't see the link to lewdness or sexual misbehavior. Maybe this says something nice about us. Or something bad.

As for making fun of Confession, well, the Confession joke genre goes back a long way in Catholic culture–probably all the way back to early Christians–along with Saint Peter/Pearly Gate jokes. We've enjoyed, as always, the charitable way many of you have shared your candid reactions. It won't be last time we hit a nerve, warnings or no warnings. And here's why:

TWO TO TANGO
The larger issue here is who is responsible for this message. The answer is twofold. First answer: you are responsible. You keep reading the danged thing. You keep praying with us. You didn't delete us today–once again.

After you, we're the cheese. No complaints on this end. It is not a cross, either. We sense we were born and designed by Our Lady to write things for you. We will alwaysscratch, even if you don't itch. We will always give our best, and hopefully our best is the truth. Your loyalty makes up for our feeling like a stranger among the normal most of the time because of this odd writing talent with which we were born. We never, ever, question why God designs any of us the way we are. He's all Good, all the time, including when He formed us in our mother's wombs. But mysterious, too.

Sorry our best was a Little Tommy Joke. Truly. We're always balancing on the beam of our responsibility to be utterly straight with you and the inevitable result of our own fallen nature. We submit that one of the benefits of reading the CatholiCity Message is the fun of finding out if we fall off that beam. Watch us bounce, break bones, and pop back up like a weed!

2. JOKE OF THE WEEK
(Warning! Use of the word "pee pee" contained below.)

Mrs. Rock, a 3rd grade teacher at Saint Monica Grade School was shocked–shocked–to discover a small puddle of pee pee in the corner of the art supply room one morning. She immediately returned to her class, described her discovery, and said to her charges:

"Now what are we to do? I believe that mercy is the greater part of justice, so instead of punishing the entire class or embarrassing the offending party, I've decided to give whoever did this a second chance. We will all put our heads down on our desks, close our eyes, and count to sixty while the offender goes into the supply and cleans up his mess."

The entire class complies, closing their eyes with Mrs. Rock as she counts off to sixty. Sure enough, everyone hears the sound of small pattering feet heading toward the supply room, and then, a short time later, returning to the classroom. Pleased with her wise handling of a difficult situation, Mrs. Rock opens her eyes, proceeds into the supply room only to return with a note in her hand and a flustered look on her face.

"Heaven help us!" she cries out. "I found a second puddle next to the first one! Next to it, I found this note, which says: The Phantom Strikes Again."

3. MARRIAGE AND THE EUCHARIST
We know many of you have had one of your children grandchildren, nieces, nephew or friend's make a First Confession or receive First Holy Communion in recent weeks. We here were no exception.

Our fatherly advice beforehand was simple (because we are a simple family). We told our son to offer his first Communion up for his future wife. It's never to early to prepare (or ask Jesus to prepare) for the beautiful woman who will bring your grandchildren into the world. The blessed mother of our child's future sons and daughters is probably already alive, we told him. (Perhaps you are her mom and dad. Please, ask her to receive the Body of Christ for our son in return.)

"But what if I'm supposed to be a priest?" our sharp namesake asked us, squinting.

"Then your bride will be your parish and the Catholic Church itself. Jesus' bride is the Church. You'll be another Jesus," we replied, not un-sharp ourself.

"But what if I'm like Uncle Joe?" he asked, referring our mom's brother, the most wonderful Catholic bachelor on the planet, as far as anyone who knows him is concerned, and, demonstrating that our little namesake is persistent as well as sharp.

We paused. "Then your wife is every woman, son. And we couldn't imagine a better husband," we told this future E5 Man, his beautiful brown eyes, cleansed from sin, utterly trusting, on ours.

As for us, the older we get, the more we want to be like Saint Joseph. And, like our eight-year-old son.

4. 70,000 IS BEYOND STRONG
Let's change the world. Prayers always does. Remember, you're not alone in what we are about to do. We're in this together. We're going to address this prayer not to Jesus on the Cross so much as imagining all of us with Jesus on the Cross...

"Pull us up with You, Lord, as you suffer. Let us feel the crown on our heads. The agony, in our souls, if not our bodies, if but for a millionth of a second if we can't take more. Let us look out the darkened landscape with your eyes, feel the love you felt for Mary and our friend, Saint John, inside our pierced hearts. Oh, Lord! How I wish I could understand, even but a little, that it is all worth it–that no suffering is meaningless, if suffered for another, for one beloved. Amen."

So there. We'll be in touch soon.

With Christ,

Your Friends at CatholiCity